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However, since I have been with a girl, it seems that the rules to this game have completely changed.
My realisation of this issue started on a night out with my girlfriend and a few of our friends.
According to a study published in the Journal of Bisexuality, "[t]he Down Low is a lifestyle predominately practiced by young, urban Black men who have sex with other men and women, yet do not identify as gay or bisexual." In this context, "being on the Down Low" is more than just men having sex with men in secret, or a variant of closeted homosexuality or bisexuality — it is a sexual identity that is, at least partly, defined by its "cult of masculinity" and its rejection of what is perceived as white culture (including white LGBT culture) and terms.
Rejecting a gay culture they perceive as white and effeminate, many black men have settled on a new identity, with its own vocabulary and customs and its own name: Down Low.
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Most date or marry women and engage sexually with men they meet only in anonymous settings like bathhouses and parks or through the Internet.
But that was ok because I could just point them in the direction of my boyfriend and they would be gone, no problem.
My heart was beating a little faster as I walked down the hotel hallway.
I had done this plenty of times before, but Mark’s voice had betrayed a different kind of nervous energy than I was accustomed to. I’m often the first trans woman a guy has been with. I like their innocent anxiousness, the relief that washes over them when they see me and realize I’m even more attractive than they hoped.
No one is more anxious about their sexuality that straight cis men, no one more frightened of being labeled “gay.” This is especially true for first-timers.
Hooking up with them is like handling a volatile explosive—and I like the rush. It’s the only thing that keeps the din of self-doubt and self-loathing at bay. It’s different with Mark, though I can’t put my finger on why.